So I guess this is a little more ‘personal’ than some of my more recent posts, but all this losing weight and gymming has been leaving my poor little mind running in circles.
For years I have been insecure about my body. Ya know people always say ‘the people who seem the most confident are always the most insecure’ yeah you’re looking at her. I am always seen as being really confident in my self, I am quite out spoken and like to tell it as I see it. Yeah I know this isn’t always a good thing- *queue the eye roll* But it gets me through.
Truth is, I don’t like my body. I don’t like pretty much every part of my body. It really makes no difference whatsoever how many times your hubby/bestie/man in the street tells you how beautiful you are, or how lovely your eyes are, sometimes you just can’t see it y’a know.
I have had 2 kids. I am not one of those lucky, probably not even human people, who just ‘ping’ back to their youthful, tight figure after giving birth.
Nope I have the stretch marks and saggy skin to prove just how many kids were in there. I have read and heard so many women talking about their ‘tiger stripes’ and how much they love them as it shows what they have been through. But I AM NOT A DAMN TIGER. I am a woman who wants to look sexy. Don’t get me wrong, if they are happy with how they look and love their stretchmarks then I admire them, really I do. But not me.
I don’t want proof of what I went through striped across my stomach or down my inner thighs, I have my proof running around causing havoc in our home!
So now I have lost just over a stone (since October #15). My clothes fit better, i’m not out of breath walking up the stairs, my belly button isn’t such a big ‘sad face’ when I bend over. Seriously it’s like my party trick, just bend forwards and you belly button disappears into a big sad face. All you slightly overweight guys and girls will know what I mean.
But I am still not happy, I don’t really feel any more confident in myself then I did a stone heavier. I mean I look different, hey I found a jaw line the other day! And I can physically see that I am smaller, but I am still me. I still have all the little bits of myself that I really didn’t like before. So how do you change that?
I don’t understand how to just be happy with yourself. In my mind it just doesn’t make sense to me. If I’m not the perfect version of what I think I should be, then how can I ever be okay with me? I get that there is a lot of positive thinking to make it easier, y’a know things could be worse, I could have a horrible illness or be homeless or lose someone close to me. I know this all sounds so self indulgent and shallow. But I am a girl. I am a human. These things matter!
Feeling like this weighs you down more than the 13 stone on the scales. Did I really just put that online??
I am taking BIG steps to change this, I meal prep on a Sunday, snack on healthy foods- almonds get in my belly– and only have the odd treat. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and drink waaaay more water than I used to. It feels good to be healthier- so why don’t I feel better emotionally about it?
I was reading on Twitter the other day that Marie Claire are doing a #BreakFree campaign for women who need to break free from the things that make you feel ‘not good enough’. There are some truly inspirational women on there who are breaking free from some incredibly tough experiences and horrible stereotyping.
I am joining this campaign, I am going to #BreakFree from my body insecurities. I am going to stick 2 fingers up to everyone who judges me before they speak to me, 2 fingers up to my jeans that dig in, 2 fingers up to my emotional weight baggage that bears down on me. I WILL BE CONFIDENT IN MY OWN SKIN!
Who’s with me?