You may have noticed I’ve been pretty quiet for a while.
I think I needed some time to re-evaluate what I was doing and where I wanted to go with this blog. For me, this blog had always been about writing about things that meant something to me, that I was passionate about and that I thought, maybe, might help someone. But at some point along that road, I got so overwhelmed with the ‘blogging clique’, with following the ‘popular’ bloggers and all the expectations, that I ended up trying to morph my blog into another version of what I thought people wanted to read about.
Recently I wrote some blogs on beauty and fashion – now don’t get me wrong, everything I wrote in those blogs were my own thoughts and views, but they weren’t me. If you know me, you know that as much as I like to dress up every so often and make an effort with my looks, I am not fashionable in the slightest. I do not know much about makeup. And I certainly don’t know enough to really write about them with the knowledge, experience and quality that these types of blogs deserve. But I thought that was what people wanted to read. I was so worried and constantly stressed out that I wasn’t ‘catering’ for my readers that I completely forgot that the whole reason that people read my blog and the whole reason I started my blog, was just for me, for my experiences, my honesty and my life. So if that is 1 reader or 100000 readers, it really doesn’t matter.
Trying to change my style of writing and what I write about just didn’t work. It was like a vicious circle really. The more worried I became about what other people thought, the more I tried to change my blog and myself. I found myself standing in a room, surrounded by people, but completely alone. (Well, sat behind a laptop, surrounded by bloggers, but ya’ know what I mean)
The bloggers that I follow, that I was trying to become more like, are incredible and I really don’t want this to try and take anything away from them or paint them in a bad light, that is not my intention at all. I just needed to find myself, not a version of other people that I was comparing myself to.
I think this probably links back to my ever long battle with self-esteem. It has only been recently that I realised I actually have really low self-esteem. It makes sense really, I always compare myself to other people. Always wondering, are they a better parent than me? A better wife? A better blogger? Better at taking photos? Are they thinner/taller/blonder/prettier…the list goes on(and on and on). Throughout my entire teenage years and my 20’s I have tried to act a certain way to make certain people like me, I think psychologists call it ‘being a chameleon’. But in doing that, I lost who I really was, what my interests were, what made me happy. And I am now on a mission to re-discover Katy.
I am going to go back over my ’30 before Thirty’ list, see what in there I actually want to do, what I have achieved so far and what I have left.. but I think I have droned on enough for 1 post, so I will save that for later in the week.
But I do just want to say a huge Thank You to all of you lovely friends, family, readers, strangers and acquaintances that are reading this, that have been reading and that will continue to read. This is the first step on my journey to finding myself and I couldn’t be happier that you are all here with me.