So when you pee on that stick and your heart stops beating for a few minutes, you forget to breathe and your whole life changes forever, there are some rules or morals or ideals that you will tell everyone and at the time, wholeheartedly believe. Until you have kids and they all go to shit.

  1. I will limit TV/technology time and they will spend most of their time outside. 

Reality: You are tired, like more tired than you have ever felt, and if watching Peppa Pig on repeat for 3 hours means you can lay on the sofa and not have to do anything, then so be it. If giving them an iPad for 5 minutes means you get 5 minutes of no arguments and a bit of quiet then yeah, you’re gonna give it to them. It’s okay to bend the rules to give yourself a break, they are too young to remember anyway 😉

2. I won’t feed my kids crap/junk food, I will always cook for them and it will always be healthy.

Reality:  Yeah that doesn’t happen. We try to keep dinners as healthy as possible. But they have McDonalds on occasion, if they are hungry when we are in town I will buy them a cake or a Gregg’s sausage roll. And sometimes they won’t eat. Anything. So you beg them and plead with them and they can eat anything ANYTHING, as long as they eat something.

  3. I will sleep when the baby sleeps.

Reality: HAHA. It sounds like such a lovely idea. ‘Oh don’t worry about newborn lack of sleep, I will nap when she does’ Little do you know, when they sleep, that is the only time you have for yourself. There are like 100000 things that you have to do in those precious nap times that have to win over sleep. You might wanna wash, at Olympic speed (you don’t know how long this nap will last) or you might have to chuck those 5 day worn PJ’s in the wash or you might wanna eat something- remember what that is? Nah I didn’t either. Oh and the baby is awake again…maybe I will sleep in the next nap. But maybe not.

 4. Having kids will be so much fun!

Reality: 95% of the time is it mind-numbingly boring. And patience testing. Pretending that you are pleased to see them when they walk into the bathroom mid-wee. Pretending you are having a whale of a time singing ‘wind the bobbin up’ for the 4567863th time. Making sure they have eaten/pooed/drank at regular intervals, keeping an eye out for choking hazards (who knew you had so many small items around the house that are so easily swallow-able?!) and trying to find something, anything entertaining out of the car window to stop them screaming blue murder for the 20 minute car ride from hell. Seriously, 95% of the time I just try to salvage a piece of my sanity.

5. Child-birth might be hard, but at least those fuzzy hormones will make me forget after.

Reality: My eldest is 8 and I haven’t forgotten a single, painful, unbearable, horrendous second of it. Yes I had another, but I was fully aware of the incredible torture I was going to go through. There are constant reminders of the after-math of child-birth. I can’t sneeze without peeing anymore, when I sit down for too long my coccyx aches like a mother chuffer from the SPD in my second pregnancy, my jeans don’t fit the same with my squishy baby belly. You might pray that you forget, cross your fingers and toes, but you don’t. Those hormones are a myth told by midwives and mothers to encourage you to pro-create.

What lies have you told yourself?

ColourmeKaty